Find the purpose

I am trapped, lost, and confused. The idea that everyday goes by as a waste makes me cry. Every day I read, I write, I take pictures, I cook, I dance, I dream, all without a definite purpose. Until a few months ago school gave me a purpose. The purpose was to study, to go to classes, to take exams, to turn in papers, to give presentations. It was a purpose that had a purpose, but at the end that purpose failed. I could get up again, brush off all the dirt away from me, start studying again for a doomed test, fill out applications again, write personal statements, while all the while not knowing if I really want to continue on that path.

My former boss, a lawyer, told me that I must not really want to go to law school. In fact, that my purpose for wanting to study law was simply to occupy myself with something while I figured out what to do with my life, and at the same time to prove to myself and to others that I’m worth something and that I could become someone. Instead, he told me to choose doing what gives me pleasure, to write, to take pictures, to travel, to go live in Paris if that pleased me, to study something just for the purpose of gaining knowledge and not obtaining a career. I could not find any words to justify my wants in life. He made me feel a call for some time to think, to talk with myself. Was he such a vicious dream-killer? Or, were my beliefs, dreams, and purposes so weak that he was able to turn them into question marks with a 5 minute speech? Was he right? Was I wrong? …I am still looking for these answers.

I tend to believe that everything happens for a reason. But if I was to be candid with my belief, I would not be experiencing these dilemmas today. I would have already concluded that because I did not get admittance to my law school of choice, it was meant to be that law school was not for me, and I would have already moved on into something else and closed this confusing chapter of my life. Instead I’m clinging on….could there be a reason for this?

This time I am taking a different approach to answer the dilemmas which hurt like pointy arrows in my body. I am giving myself some time to explore life, to think about my options over steamy cups of tea during hot Floridian summers, to explore my needs, to travel around my creativity, to discover nature, to rekindle dreams which I have not so far allowed myself to dream because I deemed them as impossible, to create a new me. I am letting things come to me…