He told me...

He told me that I should stop blaming others,
stop blaming him,
and start blaming myself more about my unhappiness.
He told me that I was weak,
he told me that I had to start fighting my own battles,
he told me that all I had was questions but what I needed were answers.

It was difficult to hear all this.
Difficult not because they weren’t true,
but because I couldn’t even dispute any of it with him;
because everything was true.

He told me I have an awful habit of not sharing my concerns with him.
He told me that if there was any way which would allow him to travel in my mind and read all my thoughts he would.
Such a way didn’t exist, so he told me that I needed to speak to him about my concerns. He told me that there are times when he feels like he doesn’t know me.
This hurt me the most.
Inside of me I was speaking to him.
I was in fact screaming for help, so loudly and so clearly that I nearly thought that the whole town had awaken from my soundless screams.

Maybe the reason why I do not speak to him about my worries is because I am scared that if I give him the key into my world of insecurities, apprehensions and fears, he would love me less. Or perhaps it is all because I am so much like my dad…this sounds as a better option, blaming it all on my father’s genes which have been transmitted into me so meticulously as to not allow any traits of his to escape me. This is certainly not a bad thing, I used to and still adore being so similar to my father. It makes the blood connection so much stronger, and you understand better where you came from. But with all of his good traits came his bad ones, like being silent when really I should speak up and share with others my feelings. I have many times tried to challenge this side of me which restricts itself into its own shell, puts down the shades, locks all the doors and hides. So far I have not managed to control it; it is a wild beast on its own.

Time has come to let go:
I am scared!
I have many fears of wasting my life away.
I am weak!
I have numerous desires/projects/plans in my mind, but so far I have not managed to get on board with any of them because of a certain fear of failing.
I am a coward!
I cannot even share everything with the person that I love.

I am praying to God, I am asking him to give me a sign, I am asking him to show me my path…

Perhaps this is merely a passive crisis, a dilemma soon to be solved, a minute problem which I am making into a huge concern. I hate drama queens, but if I were to judge myself as an outsider right this moment, I would in all probability label myself as a drama queen. Sometimes things are easier when you are not wearing a certain person’s shoes, and my shoes right now are hurting me regardless of how small the flaw with the shoes is, they hurt badly…

I am trying to see everything with a positive attitude; I am trying to change…