growing

Today I went for a ride on my bike.
One of the positive things about summer passing is that the heat is not so unbearable anymore.
So today I made two braids out of my hair , one to the right and one to the left, took my camera and a bottle of water and went away exploring my neighborhood.

Today I also woke up feeling angry.
I felt angry at those who have hurt me, angry for the way things have turned out, angry at myself for neglecting certain aspects of my own life.

I have become a master at ignoring the perpetrators of hurt. But ignoring them comes with a hurtful price: passing them by in the street and feeling completely nothing, when once upon a time there was so much feeling there.
It is the saddest feeling ever, but it is my only protection from ever being hurt again.

So I overlooked the other angry feelings, which I know will surface again at another time, and allowed myself to get angrier at me for not having taken care of my future.
I thought that if I got angry enough, I would wake up, and turn my anger into action.
So I rode down a street that is only five minutes away from my house but seems as if it were a world away, closed my eyes, and pedaled as fast as I could. The faster I went the more I could feel the cool breeze gently stroking my face. And then as if all of time in the entire universe had stopped, I felt a wordless insight.
I cannot tell you what it was, it did not speak to me.
It was a certain form of knowing, a feeling.
That empty moment, which lasted long enough to change my angry mood, made more sense to me than anything else had during this entire summer.

Now I know that I am growing!